I’m Worthless in Other’s Eyes

I’m worthless in other’s eyes. Plus the fact that I can barely afford to do anything with my life makes me even more worthless. I have to remind myself of this to remember why it is that I have no will to do much of anything or try anything anymore. Why it’s so hard to […]

New Year’s Eve. I’ve Learned How to Not Celebrate. Any Holiday.

After not being able to celebrate most holidays for several years, I’ve learned to accept not having anything to look forward to and to no memories being made. For better or worse, I am one with the nothingness. The silence. The deadness. I have become accustomed to it to where I don’t dread it or […]

If I Was Pretty

I didn’t used to see the point of appearances. I never thought too hard about what I looked like. I just lived my life. But after getting used to a life of near-isolation for several years, the concept feels different to me. I kind of wish I was pretty. I mean, I always wish I […]

Still Can’t See a Point to Being Alive for People Who Don’t Get to Feel Alive

I can pet cats. That’s nice. I can watch youtube videos of animals or babies. That’s nice. It’s okay, really. It’s okay. It’s comforting when you’re sick or in pain or your nervous system won’t behave. So, you’re comforted. Now what? Sleep is also comforting. The absence of living, waking life is comforting. So what? […]

Who Would I Be If It Weren’t for Illness

I feel like there is so much I wish I could do with my life if I had the time, energy and resources. (Time, energy and resources that have been consumed by illness.) I say things to myself sometimes like, illness made me who I am. Illness taught me a lot of valuable lessons. I’m […]

We’re Not Allowed to Feel

But we are allowed to be distracted. I couldn’t stay awake any longer. My body collapsed and I fell into a deep long sleep. I unfortunately woke up to the him coming home, paying no heed to me and exiting the room. A feeling of dread like a dark cloud came over me and enveloped […]

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