Jealous of People Who Can Go Places | Managing to Stay Awake During the Day

Wow. I feel a swelling in my throat. I want to cry. I’m desperate. The feeling of desperation has been growing throughout the day. (This is not an unusual phenomenon for me.) One thing that is unusual about this today is that the swelling in my throat is more painful than usual. It’s painful because […]

What Negation Does to You

Note: I’m referring to the negation of self that happens when one is abused, invalidated or deals with lack of money and resources, illness or other issues that lead to loss of rights and freedoms. You have no sense of direction. You think of cleaning your room or house, but why do it? Why pack, […]

Abuse, Isolation and Helplessness

Things just hit me after a recent sexual assault. (Something that is a common occurrence for me due to the circumstances surrounding my life.) I keep feeling like I’m holding my breath and not breathing at all. I think I know how to interpret these feelings, but, honestly, I get my emotions and bodily sensations […]

I’m Worthless in Other’s Eyes

I’m worthless in other’s eyes. Plus the fact that I can barely afford to do anything with my life makes me even more worthless. I have to remind myself of this to remember why it is that I have no will to do much of anything or try anything anymore. Why it’s so hard to […]

No one ever cares about the chronically ill

My body was failing me, and I ended up living with the relative of a friend. I kept thinking I could make it work, that I could get a job, but my body and brain were failing me. For no apparent reason, she kicked me out. She claimed the only reason she let me live […]

Why I Hate Life

Life mostly consists of activities that I hate, such as: Reading Talking to myself/having no one to talk to Being on the computer (I hate most computer activities) Eating alone Obnoxious noise from the highway or household appliances Random pains in my body Having no one to really celebrate holidays with Trying to listen to […]

New Year’s Eve. I’ve Learned How to Not Celebrate. Any Holiday.

After not being able to celebrate most holidays for several years, I’ve learned to accept not having anything to look forward to and to no memories being made. For better or worse, I am one with the nothingness. The silence. The deadness. I have become accustomed to it to where I don’t dread it or […]

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