I want to scream but I won’t be heard.
No one hears me.
I desperately want to be heard.
I come to this blog, in an attempt to get my voice out. But I know no one will hear me. It almost makes me feel worse. If nothing else, it kills the passion in me and puts my brain to sleep.
No, I do not get fulfillment from journaling.
I seem to need another person to hear me, to see me, to know me.
And not someone who invalidates me or tries to argue and tell me it is wrong for me to feel.
Or someone acting nutty, drugged up, unable to process what I’m saying and giving me bizarre feedback.
But why do I feel this need? Can’t we just live our lives unheard?
I need a peaceful place I can go to talk to myself. I can’t talk to anyone else, so I guess I got to talk to myself.
I am lonely. People only realize they are lonely when they have needs. It’s normally to want to reach out to someone when you have a need, a hurt, or need assistance.
I need assistance.
I need to be heard.
I’m so tired of being stifled.
I wish there was compassion in the world. I was there was people who’d listen. I wish I had people around who made me feel safe.
This uncertainty gets to me. I feel like I am trying to balance on top of a ball and I know I’m going to fall and become completely helpless again.
I was just contacted by a troll that wants lonely people to feel like there’s something wrong with them for being lonely. He said that quarantine just proved how weak people are. Weak because they can’t stand isolation. He said all the psychologists are wrong and so is anyone who has experience with isolation and found it unhealthy.
In reality, he is the voice of the emotionally unavailable American herd. But unlike others, he goes out of his way to find people who are suffering to tell them they are weak. Although he claims he is just trying to help.
I feel uneasy. Although I’m not sure it’s caused by loneliness, a warm hug or some human contact would help ease my nerves.
The uneasiness is caused by my health problems and the inability to do much about them. That’s the short of it, at least. I think it’s much easier to go through these sorts of things when there’s someone around.
I hate being cold because, when I am cold, my entire system shuts down including my brain. And I just feel different in a way I can’t explain. It’s a bad feeling like my battery has gone dead.
The cold is one of the vicious stress cycles I go through. The cold weakens my body, worsens my hormone issues and leads to me to be less tolerant to the cold. Vicious cycle. Seems I’ll never get stronger. That’s the terrible thought.
Yes, we are alone in the world.
Imagine if we weren’t. I always think that people should work together. But politics in America shows that people can’t and won’t work together.
We are on our own.
I dread feeling the way I feel now. I dread feeling the way I have been feeling. I dread the uncertainty. Feeling like I’m juggling and will eventually drop my balls, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t relax. That is the nature of having an unpredictable life with little control or safety.
Yesterday, something was getting to me. Could not think straight, could not figure out what I was doing. Then I fell asleep unexpectedly. I was tired, but did not know I was tired. I haven’t been getting much sleep, so I wasn’t shocked when I fell asleep hard. I woke up with my brain less frazzled.
This is why I tell myself I can let go and have faith. Because I know little things like sleep can have a huge affect on how well I function and how I feel.
I did not feel a desire to call my doctor to schedule an appointment. I could not even get myself to do important things on my to-do list. My body would not let me. It knew it needed rest before I did. I know I should listen to my body because I have to. If it doesn’t want to do something, I need to listen. It won’t let me do anything else anyway. Sometimes I get all these ideas of things I want to do, but, well, I feel like I have to force myself to follow these “dreams” and it just doesn’t feel right.
Sometimes I realize, things will work much more smoothly when my brain works. No need to fight it now. Then again, I want to fight. I feel I can’t have faith. I feel I need to take control of things.
Faith. I’m not sure if I have faith in something out there, but having faith does seem to take the pressure off me. I feel the pressure. I feel time pressure. I feel regret. Regret over wasted and lost time. What if I accept that things are okay as is? Even though they’re not, really. See, things can feel okay to some extent. I’m always chasing after symptoms and doing work to make them better but they come back. I stayed at someone else’s house and no symptoms! No chasing after symptoms. I realized how much different your environment makes on things. Here, it’s like non-stop stress on my body. Imagine what things could be like…if I was living somewhere like there.
That’s why I was crushed.
I was crushed at the thought I might not go back. Crushed at having to come back home. Back to looming uncertainty and feeling like I’ll just be back where I started, with all the confusion and no answers.
I have no answers. How is it that people have answers? How do they know exactly what they want to do for a job or career? How do they know how best to spend their time? Well, I know difficulty with decision-making is part of my brain malfunction. Maybe that’s why others know and I don’t. It gets better if I can manage to get my body warm.
I can do this. Keep the stress down, keep my body warm. Can I do it really? The meaninglessness of this endless merry-go-round gets to me. I need to stop and do other things. It helped when I was at the other house that I could stop and take my time on things and not be super-focused on my body. I wish the environment was better here to prevent hyperfocus and promote mindfulness. I’ve thought of decorating the place and making it more comfy, but that would cost money. I feel like I’d have better lucky trying to go somewhere else.
I’m lonely partly because it’s easier to be mindful when you’re around others. You go into your head and hyperfocus when you’re alone.
This is why I’m so scared. I wish a therapist could understand this. I’m scared of living the mindless life I’ve been living since my isolation started in my 20’s. I know how it screws up my nervous system. No one understand this, I guess. I do. I want a way out of it. I’ve tried living with other people, but things are different when you live with strangers who aren’t around rather than living with people who interact with you. I need somewhere relaxing to be, a relaxing lifestyle to have, not a hyperfocused lifestyle. I need a pleasant environment.
I’m tired of trying to discuss anything with others regarding my life or health. Two awkward conversations with my therapist made me feel awful and regret talking to her. It was a long pointless session because she kept going off on her own thing not hearing a word I was saying. I could not talk about the things troubling me. I could not find solace in talking to her. What is the point of talking to her? To get frustrated, I guess.
I really don’t know what to do with a person that is overly controlling and can’t just listen and cooperate. It doesn’t really feel like they’re on your side.
And, oh dear, I considered talking again to an old “friend” who was also a frustrating person to deal with. Lived in his own world, leaving you bewildered. She reminds me of him. So exhausting to deal with people like that. I don’t have the time for it.
Some good news in life is that my hair feels soft for some reason. The bad news is that I really need a haircut. The image in the mirror is a sight for sore eyes. The bad news is that I feel desperate to have fun and pleasant interactions with people, but don’t feel like they’ll like me or feel they’ll lose interest in me. Please…stay….be my friend…… I think I just scared off someone who seemed like a friend. I thought she liked me… but I’m too robotic….
Am considering shaving my hair because it’s the only haircut I know how to do on myself. Actually, I don’t want to do that because my hair looks better pulled back.
Someone, give me some reassurance…. I need some reassurance that I am okay, that everything is okay, that there is no hostile person at the other end of the telephone, that people still like me, that I didn’t do something wrong. Why do I always feel like I need reassurance??
I am so scared of everything. I am scared of what will go wrong whenever I make a move or try anything. Everything goes wrong whenever I do anything. That is the nightmare of my life. I try to stay calm, try to act nonchalant. I’m not nonchalant. I look that way to everyone on the outside because I’m trying to stay calm. Is it okay to show emotion? Why do I feel that it isn’t? It would be great if I could find a therapist who could help me with that, who could make me feel like it’s okay to be me and not repress it. Or a friend. Or a lover. That’s what I really want. A lover that makes me feel comfortable to show my emotions.
I couldn’t even feel comfortable showing my emotions to my therapist. I felt that what I felt was silly and childish. I hate being an adult.
I need to feel popular, I guess, because I with I could just open up my texts and find all kinds of friendly texts from people. As if it fills me with a feeling that everything is okay and life is even fun. Brings some kind of joy and reassurance to me.
Wow, I’m really emotionally reacting to things these days. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
No one will ever understand the truth about me, it seems, but I’ve been “dead” with a drained battery for several years. I could not do things. I would be just sitting there like a zhombie. I had to do things. I wanted to do things. But I couldn’t. I had to just sit there in this horrible state and watch everything be out of my control.
I don’t know. how. to. explain things. to anybody. Does no one understand English or is it just something about how I put things into words? Is it something about how my brain works? Why is it so hard to explain things to anyone????
People understand terms like “bipolar”. So they run around diagnosing everyone with bipolar because it’s the only thing they know. Although the fact that they do that shows that they don’t really know what bipolar is.
I’m so glad the confusion of last night is over. I woke up this morning with my thoughts cleared up. I need food though. The energy drain is there. Food, food, food is all my life is. I can’t seem to keep my energy up or keep my body warm.
I think part of my uneasiness is from being constipated. It feels like there’s some pressure keeping me from holding my body up. Happens when I’ve got a blockage.
Well, I was upset about therapy but I’ve forgotten about that because I have things to do. I was confused about what to do for work, but, again, I have things to do. Always, there’s things to do that keep me from thinking things through. I really am just tired of therapy. I feel like it takes too much out of me sometimes. My therapist acted completely nuts last session and had me a convinced that I won’t really get anything out of talking to her.
She has this thing were she likes to say to me, “You’re amazing.” I am not convinced of it. There’s nothing she knows about me that is amazing. I’m just another client without background or identity. Just dull, dry. No story, because we never talked much about my story. Although she does like to stereotype me and draw upon others’ stories.
What am I going to do? I want to be somewhere else where life is inspiring. I want to be inspired by something. I want to see something that really drives me. I want to see a nice, pleasant guy who brings out the spirit in me. I want to see beautiful things. I’m tired of this dull world. TV doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t bring me magic.
I want magic, oh I want magic so bad.
I want to be magic. I feel I am dull like the dirt under my shoes.
So tired of this drab reality. Maybe it’s my ADD. I know I should focus on the here and now because I have to work on the here and now. I have to figure all these things out. I lived in the beautiful world of fantasy too long and didn’t work on real life and life caught up with me.
I know when things feel drab like this, it’s actually physical. I forgot this but I remembered as I wrote. When did this dull feeling hit me? I think after I came home from the nice place. When I got completely drained. It seems. I am drained. How do I stop the cycle? I’ve been eating so much to try to keep my system moving and keep from zoning out, too.
It’s really troubling, was my therapist intentionally messing with me? The things she said last session were so bizarre. I remember how once I told her I had persistent unresolved feelings, she went on a rant on how my health issues aren’t going to go away and I’ll have to learn to live with them. I hadn’t even been talking about my health and repeatedly corrected her, but she just kept going on her own thing. Not sure if she genuinely thought she was being productive in some way. It was disturbing for me. I hate being trampled. This time she kept insisting that I have to focus on what it is I want out of romantic relationships. Except that she made it more confusing by mixing up friendships and romantic relationships as if they’re the same thing anyway. And I wasn’t even sure what the point of getting into that was other than it sure killed a lot of time and made her money. Was aggravating for me. Isn’t her type of therapy supposed to help me get at what I’m feeling? Apparently not this time. This time we ignore our feelings. She does this annoying thing were I explain something to her then she claims I just had an insight even though it’s something I’ve always been aware of. Maybe she just learned it for the first time and is confusing her brain with mine. Regardless, I get nothing from it. I hate just spending sessions explaining things to her. Ugh. Crazy lady. I just realized that’s what she does. It’s this whole inquisitive thing were she keeps asking me to questions to clarify things and it’s supposed to give me insight. It can feel really awkward because I’m not actually getting insights. It’s all stuff I’ve already thought of before, and if I haven’t, I’m not going to figure it out in therapy.
I want to live life. I have no patience because I want to live life.
I don’t know what it means to live life. Honestly, deep, well-written TV shows about troubled relationships give me an idea of what life is like for those on the inside, those who get to be part of life. And honestly, even though they are about troubled relationships, they look so beautiful to me. At least they’re about relationships not no relationships at all. It looks like they’re living to me.
I know, I’m American. And in America we don’t put much stock in emotional things like that. Who needs people or beauty or meaning when there’s more work to keep you occupied all day long? And money, more money. I guess I’m European at heart.
I don’t know what it means to live life. I just feel like I’m not living. Every day it feels like nothing happens. I’m still here staring at a dry computer screen. I still feel there’s so much life that comes from others, their personalities, their actions, you know?
I don’t think therapy can help that. I guess I’ll try to go back to therapy again and see if she tries to play the inquisition game. It feels like a game. I feel like I get as much insight into life with it as I do with some board games.
What is the trouble in my life? Why am I in therapy? It’s hard to say since I’ve been brain-dead for so long, but now that my brain is online a little more, I can better try to answer that question. The answer is still, I don’t know. I don’t really care for the things other people care about, the sorts of things people go to therapy for. It doesn’t seem like it. I am upset that my body doesn’t feel good and my brain doesn’t work right, but I can’t go to therapy for that. You’re supposed to go to therapy for deep emotional issues. My issue is that I’m bored with life. That I want a life. That I want to experience what it’s like to feel alive. And I don’t know how other people manage to find that but I never could. I assume they were able to find it because they don’t complain about how dry their lives are. They complain about unrequited love and things like that. Things that I would consider myself fortunate to experience, just to feel something. Maybe I do experience unrequited love and just don’t realize it because I brush it off just like I brush off any other emotion.
Which is why I’m in therapy, isn’t it? To quite brushing off my emotions?
I am confused.
Once my system completely burnt out in my teens, I wasn’t able to cry anymore about the things that hurt me. I wasn’t hurt anymore. I just felt dry. Dry is all I felt.
Imagine all the unrequited love I could have felt if I could still feel in my teens. I did have a crush, but naturally there was no reason for him to be into me. I didn’t feel that bad about it. It was just a crush. Am I Jesus or something? Was I never meant to experience love or even long for love? (Is there any other historical figure other than Jesus who was not interested in mating? Angels? Monks?) I don’t think I’m Jesus or an angel. Who knows. Maybe I am. I’d still rather be human and experience what love is like.
I feel so sick of this emptiness, honestly. I can keep myself so occupied on the computer. I can keep hoping for the future. But, honestly, I’m sick of it. I just want to drown myself in food, to experience something that isn’t words and pictures on a screen.
Where can my life lead? If I was allowed a few wishes to get to some goal in my life, what would the goal be? I have no idea. I just want to be somewhere where I can feel good. I wish I could attract a decent man, but I have no hopes for that. I just want to live, want to feel alive, but I have no idea how. I just know the few things I need right now in the moment to try to feel okay.
I want to try hypnosis. This type of therapy isn’t going deeper. I’ve been wanting to try hypnosis.