I Want a Hug. I’m Just a Whipping Boy, But It Hurts To Much.

I don’t know how I’ll ever escape the rut I’m in. Poverty and isolation isn’t as fun as people want you to believe. Minimum wage doesn’t pay rent. Or transportation. I go to work, get yelled at, come back to a quiet lonely life. I feel depleted because my body is still weak and I really shouldn’t be at the job I’m at given my condition. Yay, the world is full of kindness isn’t it? (I’m being sarcastic.)

I’m so sick so sick so sick of everything. So sick, that’s all I can tell you. That’s all I know. I can’t explain anything else. Do humans deserve more basic human rights? Do humans deserve to be heard? Well, I guess most people would say no. My family says no. They believe that a subservient like me needs the bare minimum to manage to stay alive while suffering. Not the bare minimum to avoid suffering (they say life is supposed to be suffering and no one deserves any better.) No they just want you to be alive and suffer. I’d rather the world just let me die. Why do we keep people alive and suffering? Who’s twisted logic is it that that is right and moral and just? If you’re going to force people to be alive at least give them the bare minimum that they need to avoid suffering.

I want to die. I’m not even trying anymore to write a good post. I thought I was going to come on here and explain everything but my feelings are too strong.

I want a kind ear. Somehow who at least believes I deserve better even if I can’t have better. I’m so tired of the pain that comes from class differences. I’m happy for people who have money but the dissonance is strong when you’re around them and realize they’re living an excessive life while you can’t get the things you need to feel okay.

Where am I supposed to go from here? If I end up in good health (still struggling with my body currently)…but if I end up in good health, would that be enough to be happy? Just sitting around in good health but with no one around and no where to go because I can’t afford to go out? I really want to go to another country. I have a bachelor’s degree. I should be able to make more than minimum wage.

I don’t know why my brain keeps wanting to turn to someone. I just feel cold turning to google all the time. I just want the warmth of someone who isn’t robotic.

I’m scared right now because not even sure I’ll still have my job. Not sure I’ll still want my job. But I get these weird feelings in my body when I think of it. I would call it anxiety but it’s just like this horrible feeling. I try to stay calm at work but the people there act crazy. They turn everything into drama and hysteria. I’m just sitting there trying to keep an emotionless expression on my face, trying to not get involved. If they want to put on a show but it has nothing to do with me. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way. Maybe I shouldn’t act calm. I always get told I don’t talk enough but there’s nothing to say unless I want to get in an argument or get involved in a screamfest. I get this weird feeling from people there. I get this feeling that they like me as long as they can have me as their whipping boy. Now I feel I’ve done something to upset them and now they really hate me (as opposed to using me as a whipping boy and pretending they hate).

I know that’s a weird thought process. Why do I start to feel like they really hate me now and didn’t hate me before? Maybe because it’s happened to me in the past! And now I feel scared that these people are up to something. It’s not my fault they treated me badly but they believe they have a right to treat me badly. I have no right to be upset or stand up for myself. I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t be in that toxic environment at all. What’s the worst they can do to me? I don’t know but I still live in fear.

The intense feeling of fear and aloneness is too much. I start wanting someone I can really turn to. A source of warmth and comfort.

Save me.

I think I brought this on myself by being desperate and staying at that job. Most people would have quit after the first day after seeing what’s going on. Never do anything out of desperation. But how do you avoid being desperate?

I cheered up a little because I just found out I got switched over to an easy job. But my hours also got cut. I’m kind of just glad I didn’t get screamed at over the phone and things went peacably. Hopefully I can get my brain to work during my free time so I can find a better source of income. Fingers crossed. I just got to quit crying and quit waking up with that horrible feeling in the morning.

My head is always spinning from being home too long doing repetitive activities for too long. I can’t tell one hour from the next anymore and can’t remember any of what I was doing and feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know if this is normal or just my brain.

But of course I can’t tell anyone about that problem or I’ll get chewed out or told to suck it up.

My brain right now is doing that thing. It’s as if I got zapped and now can’t think straight or remember much and I feel sluggish 😦 This is what happens. This is why I wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like human contact brings my brain back.

I looked up: “what jobs can you get with a bachelor’s degree outside of your major”.

Not sure if I should try to read through it right now because I have other things I have to do. Not sure what to tackle first. How about doing something fun that keeps me alert! No. But that’s what I end up doing much of the time.

My head feels like it’s funny and spinning right now.

Not sure how to get my brain back on but getting some fresh spring air helped me feel better.

Not Avoiding Life == Unhappiness

I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard today, but I think it’s because I’m not avoiding life. What is hitting me so hard today? I just really wish I was dead. I want it badly right now in a way I haven’t wanted it in a while. And I think usually I avoid thinking that because I try not to think of how impossible it is to be okay one day.

But today I had to face that I’m not even close to having the things that a person needs to be happy, healthy and functional. I’m not just talking about the lack of heat in my living space or my health issues. I’m talking about the incredible loneliness that comes from having had so little going for you in life …that….well…it’s not even worth talking about it because no one understands anyway…

I get rejected a lot. I get rejected by financially comfortable people who refuse to see what it’s like for others who don’t have the ability to live like they do.

It hurts. I was never pretty, never loved. Never dated. No one to talk to on the phone.

The fact that I’m feeling these strong feelings is a good thing. I’m feeling something. That means I’m not exhausted. But what do I do? Where do I go from here? I’m so sick of not deserving anything in life. Of having no warmth, no friendship. Of scaring off more fortunate people because they have no idea what it’s like to be less fortunate. I have no where to go. No where where I’ll belong.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel okay. I want to feel like there’s people out there who’ll accept me. And not just people who’ll only look at me because they want to use me for sex then run off, but people who would still stick around even if they’re not getting something from me.

Why would anyone care about me? How could anyone care about me? How do I escape this? Where can I go where anyone could care that I exist and want me around even though I’ve got nothing??????

How can I have a serious conversation with anyone? I don’t think it’s ever possible. I don’t think it could ever happen.

What Did I Do Today? What Do I Do Any Day?

It’s noon. I’ve been way too exhausted and sleep caught up with me. I slept the whole morning. I know I’ve been feeling off lately and going to bed later than usual hasn’t been helping. I still feel a little tired.

The good news is that I feel more centered and less-scattered brain, confused, lost and depressed. Trying to get my brain to figure out life in a tired state just doesn’t help. I wish I had a better way to gauge how much I actually sleep. I wish I could get back to going to sleep earlier, but somehow I haven’t been getting sleepy as I used to. Something is off, not sure what. Before I’d be asleep by 8, before I knew it. Now I’m up past midnight. Can’t remember when it started.

I feel so much uncertainty about life right now. Part of the reason is because of the unredictability of what my body is going to do next and what I’ll end up having to do to try to feel better. It makes me anxious and being anxious keeps me from focusing on getting out of here. I want to feel okay. I want to feel okay because I know I act different when I feel okay.

I am still too tired to be running up and down stairs getting tasks done. Even though I have a lot I want to do. I just feel like eating something nice, wrapping myself up in blankets and going to sleep, to be honest. I hate that this is how I feel now and I wonder if I’ll be able to maintain the energy to keep a job. And I feel lonely, horribly lonely. I’m tired at just sitting in this quiet room with blank empty walls day after day with nothing memorable I can do with my life other than watch videos on line. I want to live. I want to be living. Is this living? I feel so desperate for another living soul to bring a feeling of life to this place that feels like death and decay. The only way I know how to counter that feeling is to eat. I’m trying not to eat on impulse because it’s almost like I spend half the day eating. I never get things done, it seems, because I’m eating. At the end of my life, they’d have to say, “All she did was eat.” There isn’t much more to life. I’ve tried online meetup groups, but it still doesn’t feel like I’m doing much and I forget about it quickly. I want to do something. I wish I was visually creative so at least I could have pictures to show I did something. I wish I had people in my life as proof that I existed and was real.

Wow, I know I really needed sleep because my head was feeling all twisted when I dealt with some confusing and irritating situations involving others. It has also been cold, and the cold makes me like this.

I want to eat right now to calm this antsiness and this emptiness that I feel. Why can’t I just be creative? Ironically, I feel like I’d need people around to be creative.

I have therapy coming up this afternoon. I dread therapy. But at least now that I’ve slept and my mind is relaxed, I’ll be able to handle it better.

I want my life to feel complete. I want someone to complete me. My life just feels like a mess of nothing right now. Does that make sense? I wish I had someone who understood all these things.

Sometimes I think I have a plan to make everything fall in place. I say to myself, “I just gotta do this or that, and things will be rough for a while, but then things will go smoothly and fall into place.” I have no imagination for this. I try to envision it but it’s not strong enough to keep me going. That’s why I wish I was somewhere else where some things are already in place. I want to be somewhere that feels like somewhere, you know? Somewhere where there’s life around me. I want there to be people watching out for me. Catching me when I’m out of it or weak giving me the boost I need to be strong and functioning again. Oh god, where is god when you need him?

Coming Up With A Plan for My Life

I hate writing or talking or thinking about my life because it’s hard for me to grasp it all and try to put it into words. But I feel I have to put things into words because I need to come up with a plan for my life, problem-solve, etc.

For whatever reason, I’ve been feeling so different lately and the way I think about life has changed. I can’t quit put my finger on how it has changed, but you could say I have less existential problems, maybe? Somehow I feel I’ve come to peace with a lot of things. Honestly, I think it’s because I gave myself permission to enjoy life and to be honest with myself about how I feel. The following thought occurred to me: What if I just pursued the things that made me happy, even if they are superficial? Well, then I might be happy to be alive. Simple as that. I have not at all been living life in a way that makes me happy. I didn’t even know what it is that makes me happy.

Some of my thoughts on what I want might sound silly in ways, so I am hesistant to post them here in public. I want to make my room feel cozy and comforting. The room is an eyesore currently and it negatively affects my mood and thoughts. I want to start by putting up some tapestries. If it still feels bad, I’ll think of more things to add. All I know, is that it needs color.

I want to work on my appearance because of how it affects my perception of myself and attitude towards life. There’s a lot more work to be done here. Makeup, hair accessories, and possibly jewelry. I want to see how much I can make do with the clothing I currently have, but I would like to get clothes that just made me feel great when I wear them. Yes, clothes are a lot of money. I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll be at the point where I can have a lot of extra money to spend (*tears of hopelessness*). I have to remind myself that this is really important to me. The tapestries would be $40 and that already make a huge difference in how I feel being in my room.

When it comes to makeup and clothing, I’m not sure how much money I’d need to spend to get to the point where I just feel good. The goal seems insurmountable. I’ve been wanting a good corset that would have the added benefit of compression and posture while helping me feel good in my skin (maybe $50). I’ve been wanting to get rid of a mess of clothing I got second-hand from others because having these clothes I don’t love clutters my mind. I’ve wanted to try something for my tmj and jaw alignment issues ($30-$100?). Although I might need just one or the other, just the corset or just the jaw alignment device. And, well, the corset is more superficially fun 🙂 I’ll try to practice some makeup techniques and try to get some inexpensive hair accessories or jewelry. I honestly think that just the corset and working on my hair will make a huge difference. My hair is huge disaster right now and makes a big difference in how I look. The corset will give me a sense of where I am, underneath all the baggy clothes I wear. I would love one that I could wear with arm sleeves so I could wear it on its own in the winter. That would be enough, I feel, to feel like my life has completely changed and is now positive.

Everything else about my life is still confusing, but someow I feel like I’ll feel better about everything else if I can feel comfortable in my skin and in my room. I didn’t want o spend money on my room because I kept thinking I needed to get out of here fast. I still want to leave, but I have no clear plan of where I’d go or if it’s even possible. Might as well feel as comfortable as I can here.

I feel kind of comfortable with my life now, otherwise. I seem to have figured out how ot manage a lot of the more disastrous healh issues. They’re still a problem, but the really intensely difficult parts are a lot better. My brain can still feel like mush and I still feel an emptiness and confusion about life. Do I need love to fill up that empiness? Sometimes I think that. A huge looming problem for me now is jobs. My experiences with jobs have been very negative and I need to reevaluate what’s going on. I really wish I could find a job with like-minded people. Somewhere where I felt I belonged. I’ve been looking into inernships, thinking maybe I can shoot for that in the future. I’ve thought I can just put up with a job that kills my psyche in the meantime while knowing I’ll be leaving there eventually. The problem is that I think it’s a bad idea to think of it as a “job that kills my psyche”. I really need something that makes me feel good now. A huge obstacle for me now is that the way I’m treated at work makes me feel so horrible. I am nothing. No one sees anything in me. Hour after empty hour drags on and there’s no time at the end of the day to try to get your thoughts together to try to remember what life is or what you’re doing with your life. This is the reason I envisioned myself being somewhere completely different. Somewhere where life is well-rounded and not just about mindless empty work. I don’t know where that would be. I’m having trouble visualizing it.

I can visualize my room and my appearance, but I can’t visualize a nice job. I don’t expect perfection but at least somewhere I can feel okay? I imagine the place where i can feel okay is at home, because it’s the way that people act towards me that gets me down. I really get too depressed interacting with people (Imagine if people lifted us up insead? I won’t set my sights that high.) I. don’t. know. what. to. do. I thought of being a CNA but then realize I might not be good at it. Then there’s the issue of putting up with the drama that comes from throwing a bunch of women together. I. don’t. like. drama. and. games. I thought of being a janitor so I don’t have to interact with people too much.

Photo by Taylor Young on Unsplash

This is why I want or need a therapist, really. Or, really, a friend. But where could I find a friend I can talk to?? So therapy it is. Not sure what type of therapist would help with these things.

I just need to be somewhere with nice people. Can I hold out until I get there? Make enough money now and put up with being depressed until I can move inevitably?

I want to scream but I won’t be heard.

No one hears me.

I desperately want to be heard.

I come to this blog, in an attempt to get my voice out. But I know no one will hear me. It almost makes me feel worse. If nothing else, it kills the passion in me and puts my brain to sleep.

No, I do not get fulfillment from journaling.

I seem to need another person to hear me, to see me, to know me.

And not someone who invalidates me or tries to argue and tell me it is wrong for me to feel.

Or someone acting nutty, drugged up, unable to process what I’m saying and giving me bizarre feedback.

But why do I feel this need? Can’t we just live our lives unheard?

I need a peaceful place I can go to talk to myself. I can’t talk to anyone else, so I guess I got to talk to myself.

I am lonely. People only realize they are lonely when they have needs. It’s normally to want to reach out to someone when you have a need, a hurt, or need assistance.

I need assistance.

I need to be heard.

I’m so tired of being stifled.

I wish there was compassion in the world. I was there was people who’d listen. I wish I had people around who made me feel safe.

This uncertainty gets to me. I feel like I am trying to balance on top of a ball and I know I’m going to fall and become completely helpless again.

I was just contacted by a troll that wants lonely people to feel like there’s something wrong with them for being lonely. He said that quarantine just proved how weak people are. Weak because they can’t stand isolation. He said all the psychologists are wrong and so is anyone who has experience with isolation and found it unhealthy.

Trolls.

In reality, he is the voice of the emotionally unavailable American herd. But unlike others, he goes out of his way to find people who are suffering to tell them they are weak. Although he claims he is just trying to help.

Trolls.

I feel uneasy. Although I’m not sure it’s caused by loneliness, a warm hug or some human contact would help ease my nerves.

The uneasiness is caused by my health problems and the inability to do much about them. That’s the short of it, at least. I think it’s much easier to go through these sorts of things when there’s someone around.

I hate being cold because, when I am cold, my entire system shuts down including my brain. And I just feel different in a way I can’t explain. It’s a bad feeling like my battery has gone dead.

The cold is one of the vicious stress cycles I go through. The cold weakens my body, worsens my hormone issues and leads to me to be less tolerant to the cold. Vicious cycle. Seems I’ll never get stronger. That’s the terrible thought.

Yes, we are alone in the world.

Imagine if we weren’t. I always think that people should work together. But politics in America shows that people can’t and won’t work together.

We are on our own.

I dread feeling the way I feel now. I dread feeling the way I have been feeling. I dread the uncertainty. Feeling like I’m juggling and will eventually drop my balls, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t relax. That is the nature of having an unpredictable life with little control or safety.

Yesterday, something was getting to me. Could not think straight, could not figure out what I was doing. Then I fell asleep unexpectedly. I was tired, but did not know I was tired. I haven’t been getting much sleep, so I wasn’t shocked when I fell asleep hard. I woke up with my brain less frazzled.

This is why I tell myself I can let go and have faith. Because I know little things like sleep can have a huge affect on how well I function and how I feel.

I did not feel a desire to call my doctor to schedule an appointment. I could not even get myself to do important things on my to-do list. My body would not let me. It knew it needed rest before I did. I know I should listen to my body because I have to. If it doesn’t want to do something, I need to listen. It won’t let me do anything else anyway. Sometimes I get all these ideas of things I want to do, but, well, I feel like I have to force myself to follow these “dreams” and it just doesn’t feel right.

Sometimes I realize, things will work much more smoothly when my brain works. No need to fight it now. Then again, I want to fight. I feel I can’t have faith. I feel I need to take control of things.

Faith. I’m not sure if I have faith in something out there, but having faith does seem to take the pressure off me. I feel the pressure. I feel time pressure. I feel regret. Regret over wasted and lost time. What if I accept that things are okay as is? Even though they’re not, really. See, things can feel okay to some extent. I’m always chasing after symptoms and doing work to make them better but they come back. I stayed at someone else’s house and no symptoms! No chasing after symptoms. I realized how much different your environment makes on things. Here, it’s like non-stop stress on my body. Imagine what things could be like…if I was living somewhere like there.

That’s why I was crushed.

I was crushed at the thought I might not go back. Crushed at having to come back home. Back to looming uncertainty and feeling like I’ll just be back where I started, with all the confusion and no answers.

I have no answers. How is it that people have answers? How do they know exactly what they want to do for a job or career? How do they know how best to spend their time? Well, I know difficulty with decision-making is part of my brain malfunction. Maybe that’s why others know and I don’t. It gets better if I can manage to get my body warm.

I can do this. Keep the stress down, keep my body warm. Can I do it really? The meaninglessness of this endless merry-go-round gets to me. I need to stop and do other things. It helped when I was at the other house that I could stop and take my time on things and not be super-focused on my body. I wish the environment was better here to prevent hyperfocus and promote mindfulness. I’ve thought of decorating the place and making it more comfy, but that would cost money. I feel like I’d have better lucky trying to go somewhere else.

I’m lonely partly because it’s easier to be mindful when you’re around others. You go into your head and hyperfocus when you’re alone.

This is why I’m so scared. I wish a therapist could understand this. I’m scared of living the mindless life I’ve been living since my isolation started in my 20’s. I know how it screws up my nervous system. No one understand this, I guess. I do. I want a way out of it. I’ve tried living with other people, but things are different when you live with strangers who aren’t around rather than living with people who interact with you. I need somewhere relaxing to be, a relaxing lifestyle to have, not a hyperfocused lifestyle. I need a pleasant environment.

I’m tired of trying to discuss anything with others regarding my life or health. Two awkward conversations with my therapist made me feel awful and regret talking to her. It was a long pointless session because she kept going off on her own thing not hearing a word I was saying. I could not talk about the things troubling me. I could not find solace in talking to her. What is the point of talking to her? To get frustrated, I guess.

I really don’t know what to do with a person that is overly controlling and can’t just listen and cooperate. It doesn’t really feel like they’re on your side.

And, oh dear, I considered talking again to an old “friend” who was also a frustrating person to deal with. Lived in his own world, leaving you bewildered. She reminds me of him. So exhausting to deal with people like that. I don’t have the time for it.

Some good news in life is that my hair feels soft for some reason. The bad news is that I really need a haircut. The image in the mirror is a sight for sore eyes. The bad news is that I feel desperate to have fun and pleasant interactions with people, but don’t feel like they’ll like me or feel they’ll lose interest in me. Please…stay….be my friend…… I think I just scared off someone who seemed like a friend. I thought she liked me… but I’m too robotic….

Am considering shaving my hair because it’s the only haircut I know how to do on myself. Actually, I don’t want to do that because my hair looks better pulled back.

Someone, give me some reassurance…. I need some reassurance that I am okay, that everything is okay, that there is no hostile person at the other end of the telephone, that people still like me, that I didn’t do something wrong. Why do I always feel like I need reassurance??

I am so scared of everything. I am scared of what will go wrong whenever I make a move or try anything. Everything goes wrong whenever I do anything. That is the nightmare of my life. I try to stay calm, try to act nonchalant. I’m not nonchalant. I look that way to everyone on the outside because I’m trying to stay calm. Is it okay to show emotion? Why do I feel that it isn’t? It would be great if I could find a therapist who could help me with that, who could make me feel like it’s okay to be me and not repress it. Or a friend. Or a lover. That’s what I really want. A lover that makes me feel comfortable to show my emotions.

I couldn’t even feel comfortable showing my emotions to my therapist. I felt that what I felt was silly and childish. I hate being an adult.

I need to feel popular, I guess, because I with I could just open up my texts and find all kinds of friendly texts from people. As if it fills me with a feeling that everything is okay and life is even fun. Brings some kind of joy and reassurance to me.

Wow, I’m really emotionally reacting to things these days. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

No one will ever understand the truth about me, it seems, but I’ve been “dead” with a drained battery for several years. I could not do things. I would be just sitting there like a zhombie. I had to do things. I wanted to do things. But I couldn’t. I had to just sit there in this horrible state and watch everything be out of my control.

I don’t know. how. to. explain things. to anybody. Does no one understand English or is it just something about how I put things into words? Is it something about how my brain works? Why is it so hard to explain things to anyone????

People understand terms like “bipolar”. So they run around diagnosing everyone with bipolar because it’s the only thing they know. Although the fact that they do that shows that they don’t really know what bipolar is.

I’m so glad the confusion of last night is over. I woke up this morning with my thoughts cleared up. I need food though. The energy drain is there. Food, food, food is all my life is. I can’t seem to keep my energy up or keep my body warm.

I think part of my uneasiness is from being constipated. It feels like there’s some pressure keeping me from holding my body up. Happens when I’ve got a blockage.

Well, I was upset about therapy but I’ve forgotten about that because I have things to do. I was confused about what to do for work, but, again, I have things to do. Always, there’s things to do that keep me from thinking things through. I really am just tired of therapy. I feel like it takes too much out of me sometimes. My therapist acted completely nuts last session and had me a convinced that I won’t really get anything out of talking to her.

She has this thing were she likes to say to me, “You’re amazing.” I am not convinced of it. There’s nothing she knows about me that is amazing. I’m just another client without background or identity. Just dull, dry. No story, because we never talked much about my story. Although she does like to stereotype me and draw upon others’ stories.

What am I going to do? I want to be somewhere else where life is inspiring. I want to be inspired by something. I want to see something that really drives me. I want to see a nice, pleasant guy who brings out the spirit in me. I want to see beautiful things. I’m tired of this dull world. TV doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t bring me magic.

I want magic, oh I want magic so bad.

I want to be magic. I feel I am dull like the dirt under my shoes.

So tired of this drab reality. Maybe it’s my ADD. I know I should focus on the here and now because I have to work on the here and now. I have to figure all these things out. I lived in the beautiful world of fantasy too long and didn’t work on real life and life caught up with me.

I know when things feel drab like this, it’s actually physical. I forgot this but I remembered as I wrote. When did this dull feeling hit me? I think after I came home from the nice place. When I got completely drained. It seems. I am drained. How do I stop the cycle? I’ve been eating so much to try to keep my system moving and keep from zoning out, too.

It’s really troubling, was my therapist intentionally messing with me? The things she said last session were so bizarre. I remember how once I told her I had persistent unresolved feelings, she went on a rant on how my health issues aren’t going to go away and I’ll have to learn to live with them. I hadn’t even been talking about my health and repeatedly corrected her, but she just kept going on her own thing. Not sure if she genuinely thought she was being productive in some way. It was disturbing for me. I hate being trampled. This time she kept insisting that I have to focus on what it is I want out of romantic relationships. Except that she made it more confusing by mixing up friendships and romantic relationships as if they’re the same thing anyway. And I wasn’t even sure what the point of getting into that was other than it sure killed a lot of time and made her money. Was aggravating for me. Isn’t her type of therapy supposed to help me get at what I’m feeling? Apparently not this time. This time we ignore our feelings. She does this annoying thing were I explain something to her then she claims I just had an insight even though it’s something I’ve always been aware of. Maybe she just learned it for the first time and is confusing her brain with mine. Regardless, I get nothing from it. I hate just spending sessions explaining things to her. Ugh. Crazy lady. I just realized that’s what she does. It’s this whole inquisitive thing were she keeps asking me to questions to clarify things and it’s supposed to give me insight. It can feel really awkward because I’m not actually getting insights. It’s all stuff I’ve already thought of before, and if I haven’t, I’m not going to figure it out in therapy.

I want to live life. I have no patience because I want to live life.

I don’t know what it means to live life. Honestly, deep, well-written TV shows about troubled relationships give me an idea of what life is like for those on the inside, those who get to be part of life. And honestly, even though they are about troubled relationships, they look so beautiful to me. At least they’re about relationships not no relationships at all. It looks like they’re living to me.

I know, I’m American. And in America we don’t put much stock in emotional things like that. Who needs people or beauty or meaning when there’s more work to keep you occupied all day long? And money, more money. I guess I’m European at heart.

I don’t know what it means to live life. I just feel like I’m not living. Every day it feels like nothing happens. I’m still here staring at a dry computer screen. I still feel there’s so much life that comes from others, their personalities, their actions, you know?

I don’t think therapy can help that. I guess I’ll try to go back to therapy again and see if she tries to play the inquisition game. It feels like a game. I feel like I get as much insight into life with it as I do with some board games.

What is the trouble in my life? Why am I in therapy? It’s hard to say since I’ve been brain-dead for so long, but now that my brain is online a little more, I can better try to answer that question. The answer is still, I don’t know. I don’t really care for the things other people care about, the sorts of things people go to therapy for. It doesn’t seem like it. I am upset that my body doesn’t feel good and my brain doesn’t work right, but I can’t go to therapy for that. You’re supposed to go to therapy for deep emotional issues. My issue is that I’m bored with life. That I want a life. That I want to experience what it’s like to feel alive. And I don’t know how other people manage to find that but I never could. I assume they were able to find it because they don’t complain about how dry their lives are. They complain about unrequited love and things like that. Things that I would consider myself fortunate to experience, just to feel something. Maybe I do experience unrequited love and just don’t realize it because I brush it off just like I brush off any other emotion.

Which is why I’m in therapy, isn’t it? To quite brushing off my emotions?

I am confused.

Once my system completely burnt out in my teens, I wasn’t able to cry anymore about the things that hurt me. I wasn’t hurt anymore. I just felt dry. Dry is all I felt.

Imagine all the unrequited love I could have felt if I could still feel in my teens. I did have a crush, but naturally there was no reason for him to be into me. I didn’t feel that bad about it. It was just a crush. Am I Jesus or something? Was I never meant to experience love or even long for love? (Is there any other historical figure other than Jesus who was not interested in mating? Angels? Monks?) I don’t think I’m Jesus or an angel. Who knows. Maybe I am. I’d still rather be human and experience what love is like.

I feel so sick of this emptiness, honestly. I can keep myself so occupied on the computer. I can keep hoping for the future. But, honestly, I’m sick of it. I just want to drown myself in food, to experience something that isn’t words and pictures on a screen.

Where can my life lead? If I was allowed a few wishes to get to some goal in my life, what would the goal be? I have no idea. I just want to be somewhere where I can feel good. I wish I could attract a decent man, but I have no hopes for that. I just want to live, want to feel alive, but I have no idea how. I just know the few things I need right now in the moment to try to feel okay.

I want to try hypnosis. This type of therapy isn’t going deeper. I’ve been wanting to try hypnosis.

Bad Therapists

I can’t help it.

I’m fed up with bad therapists. Irritated. Maybe my period is getting closer because my annoyance grows as I get closer to my period. But in reality, it’s always annoying. I just have more patience than most people the rest of the month. I stuff it and stuff it until my nervous system is like, “Okay, out with it. You have to stop doing damaging things to yourself because you’ll need that energy for menstruation.” Okay, I don’t know if that’s what’s happening. The point is that, just because I finally start listening to the voice inside my heart when I get closer to my period, doesn’t mean the voice wasn’t already there. It’s always been there, It’s just quiet the rest of the month.

*Sigh*

I tell my therapist one thing.

She hears another.

I tell my therapist one thing.

She hears another.

I tell my therapist one thing.

She hears another.

I try to correct her calmly.

No luck.

I try to correct her calmly.

No luck.

I try to correct her calmly.

No luck.

I try to correct her calmly.

No luck.

It’s like my therapist is doing it on purpose to see me snap. She needs people who are mentally unwell to keep getting her paycheck, not people who are calm and in good mental health. Just kidding. Or maybe not. Sometimes I wonder what people’s intentions are, especially when they seem to repeatedly not hear what you’re saying and never seem to actually make any progress with you.

*Sigh*

Last session got really ugly. I mean, it was like I was talking to a programmed machine who was just talking but not hearing a word I was saying.

I felt a sense of unease after that session.

I decided that maybe she was having a bad day and tried to brush it off. But I also realize that after a few session with her, I felt like I was getting nowhere, and now I was pretty exhausted as well. I didn’t want to quit quite yet because I had some sessions already scheduled with her. I figured I’d go to those since they were already on the schedule.

Well, somehow my screwy brain forgot to go to the next session.

Who knows, you could argue that my subconscious really didn’t want to go.

But usually my subconscious doesn’t do things like that. I think I just plain forgot because I’m forgetful and had way too many other thoughts on my mind. (It’s been happening a lot to me lately, unfortunately. Been clumsy, forgetting things on, walking into things, turning things off and forgetting I turned them off. God help me.)

I texted her an apology.

Got back and insinuation that I had done it on purpose.

Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash

*Frustration*

She actually did something similar to me on the first session, and I did not like it. Once is okay, happenstance. Two times, strike out. It says a lot about her that she insinuated things again in as short a time.

And I’m still mad, not just from this, but also because her text reply to my apology had masked anger in it. Masking that she was upset at me, like I was just taking advantage of her or something. That’s a reason not to deal with her again. If she’s got some passive-aggressive anger towards me because she is now viewing me in a negative way, I really shouldn’t be trying to see her as my therapist, someone you should find comfort or solace in.

I really need to quit. I should cancel that last session.

Sometimes something weird happens with a person and I get upset but later find out it wasn’t what I thought it was. It was just my imagination seeing something negative that wasn’t there. But this time, I don’t think I’m imagining. Either way, this is too much stress for my limited brain.

I was really hoping that I would get some benefit from this type of therapy. It’s based mainly on Focusing, a type of therapy where you tune into your emotions. My therapist would help me to really tune into what I was feeling. It did help because normally I don’t pay attention to every little thing I feel. This leads me to get stepped on by other people because I dismiss the way they make me feel and keep letting them get away with it. The problem is that the therapy sessions would just leave me focusing on these negative feelings with no resolve. So, in a way it just made me feel worse and more frustrated with life. Uhhhhh…….???? Help??? I was hoping the therapist would give me some guidance as to what to do with my emotions, but there was none.

I thought about it a lot. Maybe other’s emotions normally resolve when they focus on them? Sadly, mine don’t. I just want to be able to do something about my life, to change my life. Instead of focusing on bad feelings as they happen again and again.

Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash

Therapy hurts too much.

I just don’t want to deal with things like that in my life anymore. I just don’t seem to be able to. I really can’t deal with things like that and be happy at the same time. It’s similar to how I feel about having to face my mother’s delusions about me or deal with people who believe false rumors about me or have the wrong impression about me. Or it’s like going to a church that spews a philosophy you don’t believe in while trying to go along with it. I need someone on the same page as me. How much are normal, healthy people able to put up with those sorts of situations that don’t feel right to them?

It’s the same reason I can’t stand being around social groups where the belief is that looks are the most important thing in the world. Or where people prefer to act instead of think.

I need something in my life right now that gives me faith. I have too many frustrating situations that require me to be patient years and years on end. I just need something now, that gives me success or feedback, now, not after several years of starvation and deprivation. I’m so tired of feeling deprived and unsatisfied and of watching years lost with no answers. I’m not just talking about therapy right now. I’m talking about life as a whole.

My Day Feels Blissful

I managed to do something that helped with the general sense of dullness that I feel.

I get so used to feeling dull that I don’t notice it anymore and start to blame my sense of nothingness on other things.

Well, today, I did a couple things that seemed to cause a shift in my system. I got my feet really warm and used an morphic glutathione boost. (Having part of my body warm or experiencing changes in temperature seems to help my body get moving and responding to things when it gets stagnated. I completely forgot about this important fact. I’m not sure why, but it seems to bring some life to my body. Otherwise, artificial DHEA has helped, but I feel it’s better to get my body doing it on it’s own instead of relying on a hormone. I know magnesium is supposed to boost DHEA and help apnea. Somehow I seem to still have issues with both apnea and DHEA. I wish I had a better method to measure my apnea, although my ultimate plan is get my body in a better state where it isn’t wasting or dumping magnesium. I know that allergies and other stressors deplete magnesium, but I recently learned that low blood sugar and hypothyroidism lead to magnesium loss. I might have to look into that further. I seem to be a sucker for not attending to my body when it feels awful. I really don’t know how to just give in to feeling good. You’ll notice later in this post that I broke that vicious cycle today by watching a pleasant TV show). When I started to notice my vision getting brighter and sharper, I remembered what I needed. This is what proper detoxing and boosting methylation has done for me, and it’s something that enhancing vagus nerve function on its own doesn’t do. I tried a few other hacks to see if I could enhance this state (listed at the end). Sadly, I can’t really remember what else I did during that time other than go through my notes and go back over some info on toxic mold. The day still passes before I know it. But at least I felt comfortable, good and happy, albeit still cold and tired.

Well, I ate some beans and felt really heavy. I felt like I needed carbs to lighten my body. I could not focus at all on work. I felt so tired of focusing on work. I allowed myself give in and do something relaxing and enjoyable instead of returning to the never-ending tedium. I watched a TV show which puts me in a nice state of mind. I never allow myself to watch TV. For me, this is a good sign. Normally, I somehow can’t pry myself from what I’m doing and I never give myself time to relax. Something seems to have been going right in my brain.

Yes, if only we would allow ourselves to do the things that make us happy, we would be happier.

Well, afterwards I realized it felt like a good day. Life felt good, which never happens. I didn’t feel like I needed to be somewhere else or needed major changes to my life. I felt like I could at least stand being at home, if I live life like I did today and don’t work nonstop. My problem is, how do I find a workplace scenario where I can feel the same way? My next step is to really be able to be able to visualize a job scenario that allows me to be in a good state. My vision still feels more pleasant, softer and less harsh but with more contrast. Life in general feels softer and less harsh. Air feels different on my skin.

An interesting and important effect is that I feel more affected by sensory things, pictures, music, patterns, etc. I think it’s possible that morphic fields and similar things won’t have much effect on me when I’m in the duller state. I have noticed that I could feel the energy from my emf devices more when I didn’t feel like I was in a “weak” state.

Some of the other things I tried: B12, acetylcarnitine, schumann frequencies, guided life morphic field, etc.

I’m trying to watch The Shift with Wayne Dyer. I say trying because I don’t want to waste time. I feel too impatient watching it. The irony of that and all the synchronicity with today’s thoughts and events is uncanny. Something deep inside me does agree with what the Shift is saying, but I don’t actually live my life that way. Nothing just comes to me anymore like it used to. Somehow, things just used to work. But more lately, I lived by straining and pushing against myself, but it doesn’t feel right.

Still Looking for Something

Such a confusing day. I thought my brain was working but I guess it wasn’t. (That may sound odd, but it happens to me a lot. It isn’t till my brain starts working that I realize something was off.)

It wasn’t till the night that things seemed to be running smoothly. I hate that the night is the only time of day when things feel good. To be fair, I ate a ton of food, mostly carbs, which helps. Maybe I would have felt better earlier if I ate all that food earlier. I also listened to music, and it really helps me to focus on something to help things come in focus in my mind. Just looking at nice pictures can help too. Anything that has form, I think.

(It drives me crazy. The only good explanation I’ve found is that people like me need a lot of fructose because of poor thyroid function But some also say that fructose is bad for you. And I’ve also found that I can without food and carbs sometimes and other times I can’t. I figure maybe my thyroid is doing better during those good periods.)

Anyway.

I don’t know what I want out of life. Marely existing just isn’t doing it for me. Maybe it would if I wasn’t brain dead most of the day. All I know is that I only feel okay when I’m doing pleasant activities. Being in a car or grocery store does not make me feel good. And after I’ve been feeling off for too long a period of time, I start to feel depressed. Eventually I have to give in to doing pleasant things.

I don’t know what will keep me going in this life. It’s not as bad as it used to be, it’s just okay now, to go through the day barely alive. And I can get myself hyped up and hopeful to have more money to do….what? What can I do with money that would make life worth living? I can’t figure it out. It doesn’t seem like it would help me unless I can move out of this house, and even then, would it necessarily be good?

I’d like to just completely tune out the person I live with, as if he isn’t here, as if he’s not on the same planet as me. For whatever reason, just the sound of his voice makes me feel like I’m sinking. I don’t know how to elevate myself above that yet. I have to admit, this place is so depressing and I don’t know if I can find a way out of it being depressing.

Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

I get a little too excited at any opportunity to get out of this bad experience. One big limiting factor in my life is that I still can’t have bowel movements, and I’ve lost hope that there will be any quick solution to it (although there’s more avenues I can explore if I had money).

The only influence I have for how to find a way to approach life that brings happiness is this self-destructive addict that I live with. And when I look at him, all I can see is the sickness and heaviness in his voice and body. It doesn’t convince me that happiness is that great if that’s what I’m supposed to do to find happiness. He lives his life the exact opposite way I do. He lives his life with the exact opposite values of me. My goal at some point is to get a job outside of the house during the hours when he is at home. That is still a goal, although I’m not sure it’s possible. Anything that leads to less time hearing the depressing sound of his voice sounds good to me. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to avoid him completely unless I can find a way to get transportation. Really, my only hope is to be living somewhere else. I feel so weak and powerless right now. I feel trapped. I had become desperate at some point to make my body stronger as fast as possible so I could join the military. Doing things in desperation often leads to making dumb decisions. I did show a huge amount of improvement, but I still have these things holding me back. Two things mainly — my inability to have bowel movement and I keep getting triggered into a trauma state. I really don’t know what to do. I have to many things to overcome and too many things I want or need. The road to get out of here is so long and endless and I don’t know if I’ll ever really get out of here. No matter what I do to get out of trauma staes, I still can’t find happiness in this jail cell. I can just be somewhat comfortable numb and dead and emotionless. I wasn’t meant to be his slave. I wasn’t meant to be his girlfriend. Our physiology and emotions do not match up at all. I don’t know how to feel less dead right now without trying to have some sort of adrenaline rush to try to help me feel alive.

Photo by Brandon Erlinger-Ford on Unsplash

Or maybe I just need comfort, need something pleasant. I find this blank square rooms with white walls to not be very comforting. And there’s also the knowledge that he’s on the other side of the wall which gives a shock to my system.

I can’t manage to stay awake any longer so I’ll have to stop writing. This was a good description of something that has plagued me for years. Of course, there is more to this, but this is a good start. I’m so glad I have to clarity to write out the dizzying thoughts in my head and not lose them in a fog or feel like I’m straining to comprehend. Hopefully next time I can write more about the things I wished I had in my life.

Lack of Fulfillment Is the Theme of My Life

I had a satisfying therapy session today but every other area of my life has no resolution.

I’m tempted to write about the other areas of my life because I can’t get it off my mind, but I want to get therapy out of the way first.

This is a new therapist. I did not bring up my health issues when I met her because bringing it up led to problems with past theraists — they’d become hyperfocused on it or whatever. I thought, I’m going to go in with this new therapist and just talk about life.

Today, I explained to her that I was having some trouble focusing and thinking and it unravelled. She wanted to know about my health issues. It is always a nerve-wracking and painful experience to explain to people. But somehow the right words came out of me. And she understood because she has a friend with Lupus. Magic. And she understood how hard it is to tell people about it, how that alone leads to psycological problems. Shame. She called it shame, because that’s her thing. But like a good therapist, she understood what that means on a deeper level. I don’t want to get too excited, but it seems like she might be able to through the long-term trauma of having a chronic illness for much of my life.

I also felt somewhat satisfied in the clarity I had when I realized that I have a fear of feeling pride because I feel it puts me in danger of letting my guard down and relaxing. And in reality, I can’t let my guard down, at least not at this point in my life. I.e. I can’t celebrate, the battle never ends. I have all these unsolvable problems I have to solve — like how am I going to get through a work day? how am I going to afford anything? what am I going to do if the only thing that seems to bring fulfillment in my life are people who destroy my life and leave me traumatized? should I talk to them? what happened to my life? should I try a new doctor or test, see if that gets me somewhere? how can I turn life into one that I want to experience?

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash

That’s why the rest of my life seems to have no resolution. At least things felt on-the-right track in therapy. The rest of life –ugh– I get no fulfillment. I accomplished some things mentally, philosophically, and even healthwise, I guess. But it still feels like I’m in the same place as if nothing really got done.

I did manage to get some good pictures of myself (I look horrible in all my pictures), but it was more depressing than anything because I became more aware of my features, and, I don’t like them. I guess I thought that if I never looked in the mirror I could just imagine that I looked great and never end up nitpicking my appearance. It backfired because I never managed to feel good about myself. And no decent boys ever asked me out, maybe because I looked like I didn’t take care of myself. Or maybe if they did ask me out, they would’ve helped me feel like there was something good about me. Anyway, I’m not sure what to do about this realization even though I do have some okay pictures now. Okay, it did take 3 days and lots of hours of taking pictures to get them, so some part of me probably realizes that this is very little rewards for a huge amount of effort and is let down more than anything, hence this discouraged feeling today.

And my hair, god, my hair. What am I going to do with it? I have no idea.

Portrait photograph of a woman. Photo by hatham on Unsplash

After looking at my pictures, it hit me why so many creepy old men hit on me but I never get hit on by people who aren’t creepy or aren’t super-old. It’s not the types of people who hit on me so much as the audacity. They really just talk to me like I’m some easily accessible hunk of meat that’s just desperate for “love”. They act really confident. (To be fair, some people only learned how the world works from watcing porn and they genuinely believe you just walk up to a woman asking for sex like that.) No, if I wanted to engage in superficial sex with someone, you’d hope I could find someone my own age who also has some superficial appeal.

Well, other than therapy, I did have one thing happen that was satisfying. I watched a video by a narcissist abuse recovery coach (Melanie Tonia Evans), and she very clearly outlined the effects of narcissistic abuse that I had experienced. It was nice to have my experience acknowledged and realize that others went through the same thing, that it was inevitable — Important for me because I still question that I did something wrong and that I could have prevented all the tragedies. I still think there’s something wrong with me for feeling the way I do or reacting the way I did. I still can’t look back on my life without feeling horrified and mortified. The whole thing was a train wreck. Also, it was encouraging to know that others went through the same thing and still had hope. She emphasized that it’s never too late to heal. I struggle to feel that my life is salvagable and that this mess can be fixed and blossom into anything other than the nightmare that it is. (Hard to imagine that I could ever get over this regret, too.)

Help me, god, help me. How do I get far away from here, far away from all this? Get away from this house I live in, away from the isolation, from my creepy disturbed addict “brother” who claims he’s my lover, from the lack of joy, pleasure, or fulfillment, from the lack of identity, from the denigration and gaslighting, from the fact that nothing makes sense?

Photo depiction of my life. Photo by Sammy Schuckert on Unsplash

“Burn your problems.” I like that picture at the beginning of this post. Such a show of strength and empowerment that I don’t have. Make it go away. Make this life all go away. How do I turn something ugly into something beautiful? I only know how to make something ugly go away by turning everything off. Shut it all down, shut it all off because you have no control of this mess. I lost years of my life by thinking I should turn off because my avoidant-attachment addict schizoid “friend” turned everything off by avoiding life, work & responsibility and focusing on is computer screen and found “happiness” that way. I did not find happiness.

I told myself that money would get me out of this mess, but I thought about it a little more and more questions and confusion came up. Jobs in the past have worsened my depression i.e. people treated me like scum because they see anyone my age in that line of work as scum or somesuch. That’s hard to put up with when you already have nothing going for you and no one who loves you or sees any good in you. And you can’t just turn to food, drugs or other endorphin-rushes to bring you some joy in life. It’s also depressing to see how fast the days of your life pass by (a much worse experience when your health condition causes you to lose huge chunks of time due to relentless fatigue and hypersomnia. I have very little hours in my day to be actually “living” as it is.) My jobs took me many steps backward and no steps forward. I.e. I needed to stop neglecting myself. When you ignore important issues, they just fester and grow.

Well, I’m glad I took those pictures of myself. They helped me realize something. I never knew how I come off to others so I never felt comfortable putting myself out there for others to see. It was like going into something blind, you know?

It’s so easy for an abusive person to take advantage of that, i.e. my avoidant-attachment abuser realizing I have no self-esteem and feel like I am nothing. He takes advantage of that and treats me like I am nothing.

And, wow, I was oblivious to how bad it was…. I did eventually aknowledge that he was a rude person who didn’t respect people (unless he found them cute, one reason I’ve come to realize I’m not cute or lovable), but I didn’t realize how badly he got away with treating me like nothing without any complaint from me. I didn’t complain! I just made excuses for him and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Just like my experience with the pictures, I didn’t realize I deserved anything better because I never “saw” myself, so I didn’t realize what he was taking away from me. I didn’t realize that I didn’t deserve to be disparaged and disgraced like that, didn’t even occur to me that I was better than that. It didn’t occur to me how much work he put into putting me down by ignoring me, abandoning me when in need, downplaying me and my accomplishments to an extreme (and claiming he doesn’t like proud people when confronted on his massive assault on my joy), being nitpicky and having bizarre impossible-to-keep-up-with pet-peeves leading to him ultimately shaming me, abusing my body through bizarre and humiliating sexual means and abusing me financially.

It’s not that he’s just an emotionally unavailable, apathetic robot addict with no emotions.

He is outright in-your-face abusive.

He does not only lack respect for people, but he also has a strong desire to bring them down. *Shudder*

You should hear his creepy put-down jokes where he scoffs at you then claims they’re just “friendly” jabs and creepily repeats, “They’re just jokes,” as if he’s preparing for ultimate worldwide domination through denigration of everyone in the world (other than cute animals and cute-sexy gamer girls or camgirls). Actually he plays similar games with animals that he likes, albeit in a milder way. And there’s something about the way he approaches porn that feels like he’s really just fantasizing about overpowering or enslaving the pretty girl, so maybe he doesn’t respect them either.

Yes, that’s him, the creepy guy that’s lauging at you, not with you. The guy that helps you, but at a price. The guy that makes your life go deeper and deeperinto nightmare territory. *Shudder* More cunning than a sociopath, I assure you. When he’s tired, he gets carried away and shows his true self. (They say when I heal, this fear will lose it’s grip.) Photo by DDP on Unsplash

I don’t feel so powerless when I think of these ugly things anymore because now I understand it. I understand why abuse followed me everywhere I went. (Why now I’m even afraid to get a job to rebuild my life because I am afraid of repeating the abuse of past jobs, which, given my luck, will probably happen again.) I feel finally free in accepting that this is a curse, and it is a curse that I can lift. I am not a hundred percent positive about that, but it’s the only thing that makes sense right now.

Faith, the only empowerment in a hopeless life. Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Low self-esteem was handed to me because I was neglected and disparaged by the parents who were supposed to love and mirror me. Neglect led to being bullied, being treated as the nothing that I was since I never had a chance to develop a full self. Nothing, nothing. Just a tool for someone else’s sick needs and desires.

I kept thinking I needed money to solve my problems. The truth is, it would have solved a lot of my problems and kept me from developing more problems. But there’s something deeper – there’s this curse, and even with money, I feel like abuse and emptiness might still keep finding me. If I could only pick one, money or breaking the curse, I think that lifting the curse would be more likely to bring freedom and happiness.

Fake Concern – It Hurts

I got people from the gang of narcissists and flying monkeys asking how I’m doing. Of course my first thought is, “Oh, it’s nice that that someone cares about me.” My next thought is, “Oh wait, they’re just playing me. I shouldn’t respond to this.” Then, “But I feel bad not to respond. What should I do?” I get all kinds of confusing thoughts about the situation.

Then I feel sick. The mind-games are too much. Then I remember all the people from this gang of malicios people who were in my life who didn’t care about me but only engaged with me to hurt me.

How should I handle a question like, “How is your health?” asked by someone who is in the gang of flying monkeys, who I also haven’t spoken to in years. Normally, a wall should go up — These are personal questions. You don’t talk to strangers about personal matters. Instead, I am still so naive that I’m ready to tell anyone about my personal matters. What is wrong with me?? I don’t know how to say no. (To be fair, narcissists do punish and shame you if you put up boundaries. I guess they trained me well. Some part of me is saying, “Oh, how rude it is of you not to answer her intrusive questions that are not her business. After all, she’s only trying to help and you want help right?” Oh dear. This is why I never feel like I am safe around others. I really wish I knew the difference between kind people and those who fake support.

I am terrified of the things they have done. Yet, even though it is sick, twisted stuff, part of me still tries to right it off as a mistake or something. How am I supposed to react to them when they act nice to me after destroying me? I was listening to Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life audiobook a couple weeks ago. She explained that when people do something to hurt you, the real reason it happens has to do with something in you that is drawing those types of incidents to you. So you shouldn’t put the focus on the person (something like that). Somehow that thinking makes these people seem less scary.

I don’t know if I’ll respond to them and how I’ll respond if I will. My tendency is often to be so overwhelmed that I don’t end up do it all even if I wanted to. I realized something lately, though — the reason I lived my life in a way that didn’t make sense and wasn’t the most practical or smartest way to live is because of how much narcissists messed with my head and left me confused. Remember the part of me that was berating me and pushing me to reveal personal information to an untrustworthy stranger? That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about. These people leave your thoughts all twisted and confused. Then you end up doing things and don’t even know why you did them. Or with mental blocks you can’t explain. I only realized lately how much this is still running my life. Oh, the guilt-tripping, the humiliation, the rages and punishment. Oh, how they’re constantly suggesting that there’s something really wrong with you. Oh, how you buy into it and end up becoming such a weird person because of how it changes you.

Photo by Ozan Safak on Unsplash

In other news, I’ve been getting rejected a lot lately. I had an appointment with a new therapist wo mysteriously backed out the day before the appoinment. She wrote a text that sounded rushed with grammatical errors (or maybe like someone wrote it when they were drunk). Her explanation also didn’t make much sense. All of a sudden, she and her associates were fully booked and never realized it before? I was a little disturbed. Partly because this kind of situation was too eerily similar to ones I’ve experienced with flying monkeys. The strange writing, the bizarre reasonings… It just felt like a lie and I wondered what her real reason for dropping me was. Were there rumors about me? Did she google me and find something weird?

This is also not the first time I get a weird rejection from a therapist and get a bizarre referral to other professionals (who turn out to not actually exist). Yes, a therapist assured me of something that didn’t exist! Come to think of it, they’re often like that. I’m beginning to think they’re all delusional. They do seem to love handing out referrals when they’ve done something wrong and still want to appear like a good person.

I had another person disappear, and I think it was because I revealed too much personal stuff. Of course, I don’t really know. Part of me knows not to tell heavy personal stuff to a stranger, right? Where is my judgement? I mean, at this point, it seems it only attracts narcissists and scares away other people.

Too fast. Too soon. Remember those words. If someone all of a sudden gets really into your business even though you just met and there’s no way of them really understanding your situation — stand back.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

I honestly don’t know how to just have casual conversation. It’s like a curse that I can’t seem to stop. It doesn’t help that I still wake up in the mornings in a state of terror and confusion over the weird things that happened involving the narcissist clan. Why do I naively trust people even though we know that anyone can easily do something wrong to you?

Anyway, I may have lost that possible potential friend by sharing too much of my weaknesses. I may have lost another by getting a little too enthusiastic. Another probelm I have, althoug I’m not sure why. I still can’t handle rejection well because my brain interprets as, “This person thinks I’ve done something horribly wrong. I guess I must be acting like a psycho.” In reality, people will reject a stranger over the sligtest most fickle things. They don’t know you. But the slightest thing can be interpreted in a negative light. It’s hard to make new friends without hiding everything and acting as simple and normal as possible.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash
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