Loneliness Gets Me in Trouble

I feel so bad right now. I’m not sure if sleep deprivation is finally getting to me or if it’s the position I’m lying in on the ground, which is making it hard to breath, or if it’s too hot in here (my sensory issues make it hard to gauge temperature, so I don’t know […]

Why I didn’t want to be cured of depression

When I was younger, I thought depression just meant you couldn’t be happy like everyone else. And, of course, I wasn’t happy the way everyone else was (or seemed to be). I think my thought was “I do not feel happy, therefore there is something wrong with me. Therefore, I am supposed to see a […]

I Don’t Want to Relive My Life

Me: “I don’t want to reexperience this.” Therapist: “Once you process it in therapy it’s never going to happen again.” Okay, the conversation actually went a little different than that, and I’m still not sure what she really meant or was trying to say. So I just paraphrased what I thought she was saying. Anyway, […]

What Negation Does to You

Note: I’m referring to the negation of self that happens when one is abused, invalidated or deals with lack of money and resources, illness or other issues that lead to loss of rights and freedoms. You have no sense of direction. You think of cleaning your room or house, but why do it? Why pack, […]

Abuse, Isolation and Helplessness

Things just hit me after a recent sexual assault. (Something that is a common occurrence for me due to the circumstances surrounding my life.) I keep feeling like I’m holding my breath and not breathing at all. I think I know how to interpret these feelings, but, honestly, I get my emotions and bodily sensations […]

I’m Worthless in Other’s Eyes

I’m worthless in other’s eyes. Plus the fact that I can barely afford to do anything with my life makes me even more worthless. I have to remind myself of this to remember why it is that I have no will to do much of anything or try anything anymore. Why it’s so hard to […]

Therapy actually left me uplifted

I know the positive feeling won’t last. Getting encouragement in life apparently makes a big difference in me, and it makes me realize that it’s something I haven’t gotten much of in my life. Of course, my family never encouraged me in anything (unless they were encouraging me to do something they wanted). And I […]

Why turning to a schizoid for emotional support hurts more than anything and is a big mistake

Turn to a schizoid about anything bothering you and he’ll act like it’s some weird thing, like you’ve got some special issues. He doesn’t understand that that’s how normal people are. Somehow, after all these years of living life, it never occurred to him that the majority of people are like that. The majority of […]

The desperate search for peace and comfort

My whole life is a desperate search for comfort. Or, in other words, a desperate attempt to escape pain and discomfort. I just really need metal. Hard, aggressive insane metal. I don’t think listening to metal would be a need if I could find peace. I don’t know why metal is so comforting. I don’t […]

No one ever cares about the chronically ill

My body was failing me, and I ended up living with the relative of a friend. I kept thinking I could make it work, that I could get a job, but my body and brain were failing me. For no apparent reason, she kicked me out. She claimed the only reason she let me live […]

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