I’m going to have to change the title of this blog because just seeing the title makes me depressed. Right now it’s called “Waking Up To Nothing”. Not only do I have to see the depressing title, but also the bland appearance of wordpress and lack of activity on here feels like a letdown. It’s a desert. Desert’s are depressing, right? (Do people who live in the desert use antidepressants to cope with the dearth of beauty and activity?) I guess this is why people log onto Facebook — because it there’s always something going on. My Facebook is relatively quiet these days, though. Well, at least someone said some nice words to me on a cfs group on Facebook, and, honestly, it does make me feel better. People are usually so cruel to you when you are struggling in life, at least in America, and seeing people who are understanding or compassionate changes everything about the vibe of this life.
The cruelty of “friends” and family is something that is part of my post-illness trauma, now. It’s all I see when I look at this world. When someone says something kind, it makes the world feel less like a horrible place to be.
Anyway, I’m upset because I’ve been way too tired. At least I woke up feeling okay other than being tired. I felt a little confused because I woke up with reminders of my family. (I had to cut ties with my family because of their abuse.) I still miss what my life was like when my family was around. My thought on waking was that I should see a therapist that specializes in grief. I considered looking for a therapist that deals with alexithymia but figured I wouldn’t be able to find one.
Wow, I was just googling alexithymia and found this quote: “Some alexithymic men and women believe that their partners have emotional problems. They think they’re too intense and irrational.” – (from the article: Loving Someone with Alexithymia). That describes the schizoid in my life. It makes that I’m on the milder end of the alexithymic scale. I do feel like I’ve become more alexithymic as I’ve known him. The more I’m around him, the more numb I feel and the more I lose enthusiasm for life. That’s another story, though. Interesting that they believe there is no link between alexithymia and psychopathy: “Alexithymic individuals, unlike psychopaths, feel a normal range of emotions. They just can’t interpret their own emotions, nor other people’s emotions.” I wonder if narcissists are alexithymic or more like psychopaths then?
Wow, this is also true of him: “They don’t understand why their partner is hurt by certain behavior, or that they aren’t happy, or that they need something, why they’re sad, why their mood changed, etc.”
“They don’t like reflection, double-meanings, poetic language, irony, or romance.” Maybe that’s why he doesn’t understand when I say, “This is funny,” when I’m referring to something ironic. He also hates if I try to reflect on anything. He hates it with a passion. Not sure why. Maybe it hurts his brain to try to think like that.
Wow, the ending to this article was a let-down: “If your alexithymic partner isn’t willing to seek help or try to change, there’s no point in prolonging your suffering. You have to know when to throw in the towel.” I’ve always wanted to get far away from him because it hurts to much. It hurts in ways beyond what this article mentioned. I just never could get away because of my illness, lack of resources, lack of money, lack of support, etc. I had to figure out how to put up with him, and that essentially meant numbing myself or trying to tune him out. The article gives no options.
I found this blog post: Alexithymia and Attachment Style. It says, “The most common attachment style in which you will find alexithymia is the Dismissive-Avoidant.” Well, at least now I know his attachment style. I knew he was avoidant. That much was clear.
Well, I’ve got my work cut out for me. I really need a way out of this hell, but I’ve been too paralyzed to dig myself out of the hole. At least I was able to write this blog post, which is something. Perhaps I can find a therapist who is actually helpful. Maybe they can help me meet my practical needs. Maybe they can help me meet my emotional needs. I really don’t know.
Here’s a couple quotes that really need to be emphasized:
“Emotional reciprocity, love and belonging are essential human needs, if these needs are not being met and the reason why is not understood, then mental and physical health may be affected.” Maxine Aston
“Many of us leave families where there has been abuse or trauma with symptoms of AfDD, but those clusters of symptoms have never been named. It’s all been lumped together under depression, or anxiety, or PTSD, or “Stop whining and get over it.” Affective Deprivation Disorder and Alexithymia in Marriage
I was always weak from ill-health before I met him. I did come from a cold family that set me up for ill health long before I met him. I don’t necessarily think my upbringing is the sole reason for my health problems but I do think it’s a contributing factor that really seems to have prevented me from getting better or from staying better when I experience periods of recovery.
The only way I know to try to create connections and meet people is to try to meet people online. It’s hard because, when you feel needy or emotional, you really don’t feel like talking to strangers about fluff in order to eventually develop the type of relationship with them where you can actually talk to them about what’s really on your mind. You just want to be able to get it out, right now! I feel like I’m constantly working, constantly climbing this hill. I don’t have time or energy for frivolous connections with strangers. I’m just fighting for the ability to think clearly under this brain fog, fighting to deal with the pain and discomfort in my body, fighting to be good enough… I don’t even really know what I’m fighting anymore. I’m just fighting for things to be okay. I just need a ticket out.