Things just hit me after a recent sexual assault. (Something that is a common occurrence for me due to the circumstances surrounding my life.)
I keep feeling like I’m holding my breath and not breathing at all.
I think I know how to interpret these feelings, but, honestly, I get my emotions and bodily sensations confused. Sometimes the only way I know how to figure out how I feel is by using images. The image in my mind right now is what I wish I had, an image of bounty: lots of nice, warm comforting food; a nice big clean safe place, and a general feeling of safety.
Right now, I feel shriveled up, cold, exposed, vulnerable.
My throat is closing up so that when I try to breath, it feels like I’m trying to breath through a straw. There’s an obvious feeling there of pain and wanting to cry. That’s why my throat feels tight. But for some reason I don’t cry. Everything feels tight and blocked. I just feel like I want to moan like a wounded animal.
I don’t want to feel this way. That’s all I can think. I can’t seem to think through solutions. I just want out of this.
Betrayal and being alone underlie these feelings. More specifically, the one person I rely on is taking advantage of me. And I have no one to turn to, so I’m trapped. There shock and confusion as well.
I’m not sure I could ever explain this to people but this feeling has happened to me a lot. It goes something like this:
I lack resources due to ill health, unemployment and lack of support –> I end up stuck in a bad situation due to an inability to do anything about it –> A feeling of shock and terror sets in, and I kind of feel like a deer in the headlights
I just want someone to pick me up and save me. That’s another image. Being somehow taken out of here and being somewhere happy and safe.
I feel a void inside of me. A coldness.
I want to make it stop, so I can gain my strength back. What do I want to stop? My friend and roommate’s abuse of me. I feel cold. I want to stand tall, but I can’t. It feels too vulnerable. I wish I had armor in front of my body. I wish I wasn’t exposed.
If I wasn’t abused, would I feel better? Well, then I’d end up somewhere else with other problems. Being completely alone in the world doesn’t help. At least there’s still some support that you get from an abuser as opposed to having no support at all. Cue the image of being completely alone in an empty place. Cold. I feel cold again. Cold and scared.
I want to puke when I think of him.
Is this so hard for people to understand? Apparently.
I could go through life with this closed up throat and feeling like I want to collapse into the fetal position. I could go through life like this, but it just feels off. It’s the difference between gong through life feeling cold versus going through life feeling strong and warm. No matter what you do, life’s not going to feel great when you feel like this. You can’t be happy, you’re just going through the motions.
Just waiting on life support.
Just waiting and hoping, so that one day you can let your guard down and breath and feel warm and alive. I tried reviving myself before and just got shot back down by abuse. I want the abuse to end. I know that should be obvious, but it’s not. You get used to being numb. You don’t realize anything’s missing anymore – you just know you feel empty and don’t know why anymore. I have to remind myself, “I want the abuse to end,” because I need to remember that that place in my image where I am safe and strong could be real. I need to remember that abuse is the reason why I feel this way.
I am cold. I am alone. I am unloved. I am used. There is nowhere to turn for comfort and safety.
I want that to change. But I can’t turn to anyone for help. I have nowhere to go that feels safe. I just attempted to tell my therapist about it, and I know she’ll just brush it off. Somehow, they go through all that schooling and still don’t understand what the key to happiness is.
I walk in circles in this life. The world is an endless desert with no oasis.
I’m tired of running through solutions. I’ve tried all the solutions. I’m spent. I don’t think I’m ever going to get anywhere doing it on my own.
After all this, who am I?
I’m just a person who will never be.
Who will always feel trapped. Negated. No life.