I’m worthless in other’s eyes. Plus the fact that I can barely afford to do anything with my life makes me even more worthless. I have to remind myself of this to remember why it is that I have no will to do much of anything or try anything anymore. Why it’s so hard to fantasize or imagine a positive future.
I get reminded of my worthlessness to the world and triggered frequently. It seems like on a daily basis. I just had a trigger — I just saw a person offer to give money to someone in need. And, of course, I wish someone would help me out, but things like that never happen to me. Deep down inside I just feel like I’ve got that curse or I’m just unlovable or whatever because my whole life I’ve seen others be appreciated and helped out while I get stepped on and lied to. Or I just get ignored. I just go on and on never crying out, never asking for help. Most people would not land in situations like I did for so long. Someone would be there to care about them. But there’s just something about me, I don’t know what. And I guess, after holding it in for so long, I always feel like I have to do something to break this thing. And the only thing I can think to do is to do something to myself. Maybe I feel I want to break this thing that is me that is so broken and wrong? I don’t know. I really just want to punch myself in the chest to stop the choking and tension. I don’t care. I have nothing to lose. I just want freedom from this.
This is why I think so much that I wish I was lovable. That there was something precious or beautiful about me. That I wasn’t just trash to the world. I think a lot about what it would be like to be lovable but I realistically don’t know that there’s anything I could do to myself to become lovable. I feel like there’s just some magic that other people have that makes people care about them. You’d think it was goodness, but that’s not it. I know a psychopath who’s rude, judgmental and likes to cause drama and she is loved and has everything. So being loved has nothing to do with being a genuinely good person.
I imagine myself being somewhere else, not here in this life, because that’s the only option of having a “good life” that I’ve ever had. Real life just isn’t good. But having an imaginary life and not a real life just means nothing is real and therefore nothing really matters. And that’s how I feel. People live and die and I can’t feel anything. It’s all in our heads anyway, isn’t it? This life? I can’t be attached to anything because none of it was precious. I can’t fight so hard about a stupid career or an imaginary fake love life or friends who are just pretend.
I know I don’t matter because no one hears me. No one sees me and no one cares. And if anyone pretends to, it’s all superficial. I just broke up with my therapist without telling her I was breaking up with her partly because the whole thing was delusional anyway. Talk therapy felt like it was all about fantasy. “Let’s pretend this or that is possible! Let’s pretend anything is possible! Let’s pretend real life isn’t happening.” She really was good therapist in that I felt we were communicating…. It’s just that this whole talking thing doesn’t change what is. It’s just about putting nice ideas in your head. Fantasies and nice thoughts. I’m already good at that. It’s the real world that hurts. If someone is stabbing you in the stomach, how much does it help to have a therapist cheering in the sidelines, “You can do it! One day the stabbing will end!”
It doesn’t help me too much. Because the stabbing is continuing and I’m still getting beaten down by it.
As far as I know, I have no talent, no beauty, and nothing to offer the world. So there’s no reason why anyone should support me. There’s no reason to try anything at this point, to keep trying anymore. I’m just boring and I ramble and no one even notices or cares because they lost interest long ago.
So now what?
I can’t answer that. I have no answers to that question. I just barely get by, like I’m just a placeholder. Not someone who will ever be loved, not someone who will ever live. All I really feel like I can do is crawl into a fetal position and eat myself to decay. I don’t know what else I can try. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent so much time trying things and it’s just exhausting. And it pulls me further and further into apathy. I just want to have fun, feel something good — food is the only way I know because I don’t have drugs or sex to enjoy. Wow, I’m so bored of this life along with being completely spent to the point of pain and apathy.
Speaking of triggers, there’s something about someone offering to help you, offering to save you, and then withdrawing any assistance as if you never really mattered that makes it worse. Maybe another reason seeing another person being helped hit hard at my worthlessness.