Turn to a schizoid about anything bothering you and he’ll act like it’s some weird thing, like you’ve got some special issues.
He doesn’t understand that that’s how normal people are. Somehow, after all these years of living life, it never occurred to him that the majority of people are like that. The majority of people have emotions, anxieties, apprehensions, etc and like to turn to others for comfort and support. Whoa! It’s still hard for him to comprehend after 30 years of being in this world. (Perhaps it’s because he’s “experiencing” the world and learning about it mainly through books and media rather than through actual social contact?)
So he acts like you’re special. You’re different. You have issues. You know, you’re just like that. According to him, you have a weird way of living in the world and interacting with the world.
Excuse me? This is weird? What about having no social connections, not caring at all about your family, having no desire to go out and do anything with your life, having no goals other than to read another book or level up on a video game. Trying to take as shallow breaths as possible when speaking so as not to express emotion other than irritability. That’s not weird?? That’s normal???
But here I am getting gaslighted, called a weirdo or a crazy person just because I wish I had someone to turn to for emotional support. Seeking support is just part of my weird crazy personality. I just need to chill out and just enjoy the video games and endless barrage of movies and entertainment.
And his reaction, insinuations and gaslighting do is leave me feeling empty. Wishing I was dead.
Dear, I wish I had someone to talk to. Not someone who I turn to who’ll only make me feel sick and empty for wishing I had someone who cared and understood and could share life with me.
I can’t explain the cold and empty feeling that comes from engaging with an emotionally unavailable person.
I can’t explain the rage. This thing inside me that wells up, pounding inside my chest. I see myself screaming inside a cave and no one can hear me.
Being alone is better than having friends. It’s better than being around cold neglectful emotionally unavailable people who bring on this pain, rage and emptiness.
I can’t handle it. I feel like I’m much calmer if I just lock myself in a room and stay safe and comfortable. I can’t handle people and I can’t handle life. I don’t want to do any of it.
I wish I was lovable. Not lovable by a schizoid or an emotionally unavailable person but by someone who is full of life. Someone who can feel with me. Not someone who puts out my flame but someone who lets it grow.
I don’t like this sedated feeling, this blunted feeling with inner silent screams of rage.
He loves to suggests things as “There’s something wrong with you.” He’ll latch onto any evidence that something is wrong with you without any justification. I can’t help but feel he’s trying to suck me into his numb world by bringing me down, trying to gaslight me into thinking it’s wrong to feel so I have to swallow my feelings. I end up searching for answers and solutions for this horrible feeling I have now that I’ve stuffed my emotions. I feel numb and apathetic like him. How does anyone survive this? All I can think of is eating food to help me feel something because I feel so dead.
I wish therapy actually worked. But it’s really all based on the concept that there’s something wrong with you if you feel or have needs so we need to help you turn of those feelings and needs.
I don’t want to be turned off.