Those were my thoughts a couple hours ago. Things were working relatively smoothly in my body. I felt great. I was feeling optimistic about recovery from my illness and bodily dysfunction. That I could just feel good. That things could be okay.
I still feel okay now after a few hours, although not as great as I was earlier. I’m working on soothing my body, which for the most part means trying to normalize my body temperature.
I have clarity that I don’t usually have. My brain function has deteriorated further and further over the years. It used to be just simple problems with attention and memory, but it got to where it was just hard to finish a sentence or a thought. Everything felt like pushing a wheelbarrow across rocks and gravel. Everything became more difficult and confusing. And with that, your sensations deteriorate as does your feelings and your values.
This song means the world to me right now. And I’m glad that right now I am able to experience what it means to me with clarity:
And it’s beautiful. Things feel beautiful to me right now. Although not as beautiful as they did to me a couple hours ago. My wheelbarrow got a little more rickety since then.
But in general, when your brain works, things make sense. Everything you do flows out of you more smoothly. You don’t feel confusion. Everything is graceful.
When it doesn’t, things don’t. Everything feels wrong. Your life feels wrong. Your plans feel wrong. Because you can’t make sense of anything. Because you can’t find clarity.
Am I my illness?
Am I stupid, slow, confused?
Should I take that all as part of who I am? Because I always have. I’ve been this way for so long.
I always thought of it as, I want to be someone else, not me.
I am the illness. I want to be someone without illness. Someone amazing. Someone graceful. With peace flowing though my body. I was born an awkward kid. Unattractive, unappealing. So who am I supposed to see myself as?
I’d rather not think about who my “self” is. I don’t want to think of my self. If I feel good and I’m happy, that’s all that matters. I hate these labels, these images. It’s all about my experience, not who I am to the outside world.
I’m also not overwhelmed by my environment right now. No noticeable sensory issues.