“It’s not that bad. What can you expect out of life anyway? Not that much. And everyone’s in pain, sick, miserable, etc. You’re just having such high expectations out of life. No one really lives these days anyway. You’re lucky compared to others, blah blah, blah.” These are often the thoughts in my head.
But then I find myself just wanting to “turn off” in some sense. I realize I can’t fight ill health and weakness to get strength in my body. I can’t fight the people who take advantage of me and cross my boundaries. I can’t just live my life or have possession of my own body, life, and soul. Very little of it feels like it is mine. My life is not mine to live or have control of.
So, I think of turning off.
What do I mean by “turning off”? Resigning. Not allowing myself to imagine a wonderful life, or at least not allowing myself to feel what a wonderful life would feel like. My fantasies become more dull. I don’t feel excitement in my fantasies. I feel more stoic. My goals are dulled as a result because I can’t imagine much and goals lose their significance. It’s like the life feels sucked out of everything. My fantasies become as depersonalized as I feel due to my depersonalization disorder.
But by “turning off”, I also mean that I resign in my actions as well. I decide to go into energy conservation mode, to hibernate. This isn’t pleasant. It isn’t fun. But it keeps me from getting my hopes up.
Truth is that I want to feel free. I want to go places and do things. To see things. To meet people. To have people around that I can interact with, whose company I can share. But in a positive way, not a drama-filled way. Just a simple, innocent way.
I want to be around life.
I want to be alive. I want to feel alive.
I don’t want to be cut off from life by poverty and dysautonomia, illness and fatigue.
But I also want to avoid the unpleasant things, which add up. Somehow it’s hard to avoid all the unpleasantness. I’m not sure if it’s because illness makes things more unpleasant or if I’d always find those things unpleasant.
By “things” I want to avoid, I mean people who are unpleasant, noxious environments, etc. They’re everything I don’t want in life.
But when I realize how powerless I am, it’s like a switch gets flipped. The lights get turned off in my psyche.
I can’t attain a pleasant life.
I can’t avoid an unpleasant life.
I can crawl into a ball, shut down, and wait for it to pass. Sometimes that’s all I can do. Options are limited when you can’t go anywhere, have no spending money, and have little genuine love or support outside of common niceties.
I wish I was loved. I wish I was lovable.
I don’t know why we put up with this. I don’t know why anyone puts up with it.
I don’t know why anyone thinks we should put up with it. People try to create meaning out of nothing with all their philosophies, world-plays and flowery words. But maybe deep down inside they know the truth, underneath all their flowery words.
Trying to tone down self-compassion and deny your feelings by telling yourself that you’re lucky compared to others isn’t going to make you feel better. It’s just depressing. It’s just accepting something you shouldn’t accept. And acceptance is resignation.
Breath. Allow the life to flow. Don’t stop breathing.
And go for a walk. Stretch out, expand your world.
Oh, wait. There’s nowhere to go. And you can’t get very far before you feel light-headed, mentally impaired, and have used up your physical resources. The lack of destination and dysautonomia keep me from getting up to go outside, even for a little while. I just don’t have the strength or enthusiasm to walk when there’s nowhere to go. I wish I could drive. I wish I could afford things once I got to my destination if I could drive.
Yeah, everyone will hate this post, because everyone wants me to act happy for them.
We are alone.